DIFFERENT KINDS OF HIPSTERS

Post I wrote for Bite.ca.

If you think you got the hipster figured out, think again, buddy! There are so many different kinds of hipster, I’m losing track of it myself. However, everything you need to know to guide yourself under the Williamsburg Bridge or wherever else, for that matter, is right here. Because you know, hipsters spread around really fast. As long as there’s wifi for free.

Chubster: Chubby hipsters, the cutest type of hipster ever.

Foreignster: Hipsters from countries that don’t speak English.

Blipster: Black hipsters.

Innerster: Hipsters, but only in the inside

Happyster: Hipsters that are either high or really confused; Gay hipsters.

Oyster: Antisocial hipster.

Yuppister: Yuppies trying to pass as hipsters to exchange fluids with hipsters wearing khakis and keffiyehs from J. Crew.

Minister: Religious hipster.

Refusester: Hipster, but in denial.

Lobster: Aquatic hipster. Aquaman with mustache, Steve Zissou.

Transister: Cybernetic hipsters from the future.

Babyster: Offspring of hipsters; soon-to-be Transisters.

Hasidicsters: Williamsburg hipster Jews.

Closetster: Hipster in the closet.

Labelster: Label Slave hipster. American Apparel and Urban Outfitters mainly.

Monster: Freaky, hideous, objectionable, dangerous hipsters.

Pretendster: Hipster only among their less cool friends, neutralized when in Portland, Brooklyn, Scranton, PA.

Starbuckster: Sad misguided hipsters.

Sister: relative of a hipster that you should not flirt with, ‘cause it’s not cool. Not cool.

Lackluster: Underachiever hipster.

Nerdster: Geeks that get mistaken by hipsters.

Jerseyster: Jersey people that come from across the Hudson to mingle with Murray Hill people at Spike Hill.

L.I.ster: Long Island people that come from the middle of the Atlantic Ocean to mingle with Murray Hill people at Spike Hill.

P4kster: Sad misguided hipsters.

Spikester: jerseysters or LIsters that hang out at spike hill and/or have spiked hair.

Kryptonster: They’re so hipster, they are not even from this planet.

Outoftownster: hipsters that migrate from Portland and Williamsburg and/or don’t live in this areas, but would love to.

Sinister: not really hipsters, but rather mysterious.

1 year ago  /  6 notes

HIPSTERS ALWAYS WANT PICTURES TAKEN

Post I wrote for Bite.ca.

What: Photos, you know, it’s not an art for everyone, but every hipster wants his/her picture taken. And tagged. And commented.

Where: Concerts, art galleries, places with gardens, coffee shops, urban parks, last night’s party, lofts paid by parents, anywhere in Williamsburg. I suppose the only exception would be Murray Hill, but they can get away with the whole irony thing. Yes, we know you’re there hooking up with that yuppie dude ironically. Again. No, we will not talk about it behind your back. But we’ll blog about it.Who: Hipsters who wish they were Dorian Gray.

When: Only in the coolest moments. Or a moment that would be cool for the mainstream citizens. Used as a joke, of course.

Why: If there’s no picture, it didn’t happen and you don’t want your Facebook friends to think your life in the big city sucks, yeah? Hey, that dude from the deli will never rat you out and tell your friends that he’s not a curator. Photographs are meant to document your life, however, hipsters will take pictures to rub in their friends faces from the Midwest. Also, to alter their perception of reality. I mean, who will believe that I have an art gallery opening, if there’s no picture? I can tell you in vividly details, but the look of disappointment in my visitors face is priceless.How: Point and shoot.

Hipsterity: 3.5 Fujicas out of 7

1 year ago  /  1 note